


Into You

by Dhalion



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Also rated teen because damn Connor stop fucking cussing it's rude, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor ends up having a moment of weakness and gushing about Evan a lot, Do you have eyes Jared dear, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Hi I have anxiety about this being OOC so please be honest about it, Homosexuals just being really really gay, I have anxiety Susan, It's Jared Kleinman, Jared's being a bit of a dick whether serious or as a joke, M/M, Potential OOC-ness?, Romance, Timeline wise I don't know where they're at but they're still in high school, we just don't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 02:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12878538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dhalion/pseuds/Dhalion
Summary: "Is Evan Hansen worth loving?" Jared had ended up asking Connor. Whether as some kind of cruel, backhanded joke, or something more serious... The question shouldn't have been uttered at all. But it had been. Connor's answer was obvious. If Jared really wanted to know, he'd hear. Connor had zero issue with that.





	Into You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emmablackery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmablackery/gifts).



> hi i've had this on my computer for a few days, and i'm really worried about potential ooc-ness... it probably really is ooc, but im tired and i lack the ability to worry too intensely right now. if nothing else, i really hope you enjoy!! it's the first thing i've finished in a long time. even if it's kinda bad characterization-wise, i'm still proud of myself. feel free to leave feedback. i think five months would be reasonable in the timeline for this to happen since the seniors haven't graduated yet? i dunno.
> 
> ALSO trigger/content warning for connor briefly mentioning his suicide attempt and hospital stay (because haha he survived i don't know what you're talking about), but it's very brief. just be aware it's mentioned. stay safe, i love you all.

"Is loving someone like Evan Hansen even worth it, Connor? Do you really think your relationship has hit that level?"

Well, that was surely a question from Jared that caught Connor off guard. The answer in Connor's mind was immediate--Of _course_ Evan Hansen was worth loving. Yes, after numerous sleepless nights five months into their relationship, Connor was entirely one-hundred percent positive he was in love with Evan Hansen. The only reason for Connor's prolonged pause was due to trying to process the sheer stupidity of the question. Even if Jared didn't mean it in the cruelest way possible, the fact it was asked at all was astounding.

Connor felt his gaze on Jared narrow, eyebrows furrowing. Jared and himself still didn't see _exactly_ eye to eye, but they could at least tolerate each others presences now... For the most part. The Murphy sibling knew exactly why Jared was asking this--Evan was picking Zoe up from jazz band practice along with their friend (and Zoe's girlfriend) Alana. So no one else was around to hear Connor reply, or for Jared to even ask, for that matter. Joke or not, it's not exactly the kindest thing to ask outside of a private setting.

Which also meant Connor could do what Connor Murphy did best: Be absolutely, brutally honest.

"Of-fucking-course he is, Kleinman. I'm not dating Hansen for the shits and giggles of it. I'm nowhere near the nicest person, but I'm not cruel enough to break them by leading them on. What the fuck do you _mean_ 'Is he worth loving'? Are you implying that he's too broken to be with, or loved, by anyone? 'Cause, in case you need a reminder, I'm pretty fucking shattered, and you ain't so goddamn flawless either."

Connor saw Jared shift uncomfortably, even saw him open his mouth partially to speak, but the long haired boy wasn't having it. No. Jared opened this can of worms himself. He was getting his full answer. Lifting himself from the chair he was sitting in, Connor marched himself in front of Jared. His footsteps were so heavy that neither happened to hear the front door of the Murphy household open. Connor was getting tunnel vision, the mere consideration of the inquiry (regardless of intent) boiling his blood and cutting out a decent portion of his already poor observation skills.

"So, yeah, we both know Hansen's got some pretty fucking insane depression, OCD, and social anxiety like no other. He's got some pretty severe trauma, and of course it's got his mind going haywire. But, in case you weren't /aware/, Kleinman, I have some pretty fucked diagnoses myself. Depression, explosive anger, borderline as fuck--Even if Evan were to somehow be unlovable because of his current happenings, do you think I, out of /anyone/, could judge him for that? No, I can't. I threw a goddamn printer in second grade 'cause I couldn't be the line leader, and you joined the rest of the whole student body in calling me the 'probable school shooter' as we got older.

"If anyone's unlovable out of either of us, it's me. Not Hansen. Not Evan. Evan's anxious and skittish, but he's got a heart of goddamn **gold**. He has a lot of things happening to him that isn't okay in the slightest--Might I remind you of you only being around him, at least at first, so your precious mama keeps on paying your car insurance?--so the recovery's gonna be slower than normal. 'Course it is. I'm not normally patient with anything, but I know better than to rush that shit. I know it from experience. I know it like the back of my hand. This stuff ain't easy.

"And, y'know, brain shit aside--Evan's more than his environmental problems and chemical imbalances. If you would've gotten to know him better before I did, you'd know that better than you do now. He talks a lot about trees. Which, we all know, but here's the thing--he talks about them in detail, even. A hell of a lot. Sometimes I wonder if he can talk about anything else, but even if he can or could, it's up to him on what he talks about. I just enjoy hearing him talk in general, really.

"He just likes trees a lot, 'specially since he went to that state park. Did you know his favorite kind of trees are pine trees? He likes 'em because even in the winter they don't go bare. They're strong, they withstand a lot of the weather and shit. They don't fall easy. Plus the smell. It's his favorite scent. I gave him the nickname 'Evangreen' for a reason. It's a type of tree. Evergreen tree.

"Plus if you notice, when he talks about trees, or anything else he's passionate about, he gets the brightest spark in his eyes. They're blue like the sky, just as bright and big, but shit--When he's talking about something he loves, I swear his eyes just get that more lively. It's like he has a sun in his eyes. And he's super expressive. When he's not using his hands to fidget to cope with his anxiety, he uses 'em to talk. Hand gestures everywhere, and seeing him get so worked up with something else other than anxiety's so uplifting. When he's comfortable, it's the best time of my life. Pretty sure he gets a kick out of it, too."

Connor could've sworn he saw Kleinman's eyes briefly flicker to look behind them both, but the Murphy son wasn't questioning it. He wasn't done.

"When he smiles, the corner of his eyes and his nose crinkle up. He's gonna get crow's feet from it probably, but I'd rather him get them from smiling too much than to be blemish free from not smiling at all. And his teeth are so clean and white. I know he has some intense cleaning rituals 'cause of the anxiety, but it's preferable to the opposite, too. And it pays off. His breath always smells like mint and it's pretty damn nice in more ways than one.

"Not to mention, I swear Hansen's the human equivalent of a fucking teddy bear. He's not super huge on pda, and I'm not too crazy about it either, but in private he's basically an entirely different person. Loves cuddling and hugging, I'd be pretty confident in saying he'd probably wither and die if he can't have even the smallest amount of physical contact with me at any point in time when in private. 

"And, for once, the touch isn't annoying to me. I welcome it. I even crave it. His touch fills me with some fuzzy warmth, and I'm more or less hooked on it. Talk about an addiction. Y'know, thanks to Hansen and his being touchy-feely, I haven't even touched any pot in months? Yeah, I finally quit smoking, Kleinman. And I'm fucking proud.

"You know, when I had my suicide attempt, Evan was the /only one/ outside of my family to visit me at the hospital. I was so fucking convinced I was alone until then. No one liked me, everyone loved to hate me. And I mostly attempted for me--I don't think too highly of myself, but I damn well don't deserve to go my whole life in pain while others placed bets on if I was going to inevitably come in and shoot up the school. 'Oh yeah, Suzie, let's make bets on how long it's gonna be before bad ol' Connor Murphy comes in with a rifle and tries to shoot us all to swiss cheese! That's a _perfect_ hobby!' That shit hurts, you know. I'm not like this 'cause I wanna be. And trying to make up for the fact I even _exist_ is a bit of an effort in itself."

And oh. Now there were a small amount of tears. When had Connor started crying? And how did he not notice the stinging eyes? Connor had likely been yelling, too, he tends to raise the volume of his voice if he wasn't paying attention and the emotions were especially strong. He didn't linger on it too long, however. He had to drive his point home. Evan Hansen was more than worth loving. And Connor couldn't be more solid in wanting to be with him for as long as he'd be allowed to.

"Evan Hansen isn't perfect, not even close, but he's entirely perfect as he is now to me, Kleinman. Five months of romance and longer of friendship has healed me in ways I didn't think anything could. I'm super messed up, but if it wasn't for Hansen, I'd probably be dead for sure. 'Cause I would have probably attempted again. And again. Because no one outside of those who probably felt obligated made the time to show any care of remorse. He made me feel like I mattered. That I wasn't too fucked up to be loved.

"And I hope I do the same for him. 'Cause he's a blessing in a striped blue polo I never would have asked for, or expected, but now that I have him...? I don't wanna give him up. I love Evan Hansen. And he's absolutely worth it, because he's more than his problems. I'm entirely sure of it, and if anyone thinks they can question it, I'll do whatever I can just to prove them wrong. So, you asked me if Evan Hansen was worth loving, Jared. There's your answer. Don't fucking forget it."

When there was a small pause that felt like an eternity, Connor's insides twisted uncomfortably. Why? Why wasn't Jared retorting with some lame-ass rebuttal? No 'It was just a joke'? No peep of 'Calm down, pull the stick out of your ass'. He wasn't even looking at Connor anymore. He got his answer when a small, nervous voice stuttered out.

"I... I-is that how you feel? Connor?"

Physically feeling all of the blood drain from his face, Connor slowly turned to the entryway to the living room--And there stood Evan and the girls. Zoe and Alana both relatively shocked, whether pleasantly or not Connor couldn't place, and then Evan... Who was silently crying. His face was so expressive that it made it oddly unreadable. Did Connor just scare Evan off? Did he make the other happy with his unintentional confession? How much did Evan hear? Enough to be crying, obviously.

Connor went to say something, but his mouth just opened to emit zero sound. His voice fell flat. He couldn't speak. Did he just fuck up one of the only good things he had...? He was feeling his panic levels begin to rise, his legs itch to bolt in any direction to leave. But then, next thing he knew, he was being hugged. Tightly. His jacket was unzipped and opened, so he could feel Evan's tears soaking into his shirt immediately. Connor looked up to Zoe, needing guidance, frightened. She responded with a hug gesture.

'Hug him, you fool!!' is what that said in response.

Redirecting his gaze down to the crying boy in his arms, Connor wrapped himself around Evan. Lowered his head until his nose nuzzled into Evan's blonde locks. Breathing in as he rubbed Evan's back, his boyfriend smelled as he always did--Like his pine scented shampoo and body wash. The scent that was constantly around Connor now, but soothed him rather than annoyed him. Connor felt so many emotions it made his chest ache, but for once, it wasn't in a bad sense. It was love. Affection. Adoration for Evan. _His_ Evan.

He let Evan cry for as long as he needed before the boy pulled away and sniffled, gently rubbing his eyes. Connor kept a gentle grip on Evan's shoulders, a mixture of affectionate butterflies and swirling anxiety in his gut. But then the blond boy smiled.

"I-I love you t-too, Connor. I feel the same."

Connor watched his vision get misty once more, felt the tears begin to roll down his cheeks before he could stop them. And for once, he wasn't angry for crying. He was happy.

He found a home in Evan Hansen.

**Author's Note:**

> i can't remember which fic i got the nickname 'evangreen' for evan from, but it wasn't my original idea and i credit the nickname idea to the fic i pulled it from. it's just. the nickname is so, _so_ cute it just. it stuck. bless you whoever you are for this nickname. i will eternally cherish it. so good.
> 
> any who, feel free to chat me. hit me up. scream with me into the void. my tumblr (and twitter both) is @silentenchanter. thanks. peace. love y'all.


End file.
